New member here...

I am 46, divorced twice. My boyfriend is 49, never married. Do we have many "older" couples here?

We are discussing marriage. Our relationship is wonderful, and we get along great. Here is the "problem". He wants a big, traditional church wedding! I would rather go to the JP. He was raised catholic, but he does not consider himself religious. I am an atheist, and I do not want a religious ceremony. He wants a big, formal "white" wedding. I am laughing at the thought of ME (divorced, middle aged, atheist) getting married in a church, in a wedding gown, in front of a gazillion people! Noooooo...

Nothing is going to happen right away, so there is still plenty of time to talk and negotiate (and stall). What I am looking for here is anyone else in a similar situation who I can talk to. All comments and suggestions are welcome!

Part of me says, "No way." And the other part feels that if this is what he really wants, should I deny him his "big day"?

I am thinking of some compromise. Maybe I can agree to the formal attire, but no church. Maybe get married on a cruise ship or something... I am ok with having a big reception.

Ummm...this is definately a difficult thread. Might be the reason for the lack of posts.

This is a very delicate issue and a very personal one. With that said, I want to assure you that no offense is intended, but as a christian I find your choice of the word stalling very troubling.

The fact that he was raised a Catholic(even tho he says he's not religious) and wants a church wedding if telling you something. Religion or better yet, the belief in god is more than a choice. It's a feeling. It's a safe reassuring feeling you don't have. The fact that you said you were stalling implies that you plan on changing his mind. A marriage within any religion or lack of it will find more obstacles than a wedding venue ahead of them.

You and you FH need to need sit down and have a serious talk...you both need to know what you up against.

I wish you both the best of luck.

I was pretty much joking when I said I was "stalling". As far as his beliefs, he doesn't agree with the church doctrine. And religion is not a part of his life. He just wants the big formal event at the church. And I do respect the beliefs of others even if I don't share those beliefs.

What about the possibility of having the big "traditional" wedding at an outside venue, so it has the look and feel of a traditional wedding to appease the FH, and it is not constrained within the walls of religion to appease you. It would probably look gorgeous, and not everyone would need to know the reason for the outside ceremony (many would probably think it was just for the love of the outdoors)

But, I don't want a "big" wedding. It's not the church thing I'm opposed to. I just don't want a huge ceremony with a lot of people. I would rather have a small wedding (or no wedding). FH is a very social person, and his focus is on lots of people, activity, etc. That can be accomplished with a big reception.

This is an interesting situation! And by interesting, I mean it must be extremely difficult to try to figure out a way for this to work out while keeping both of you happy! It seems to me you had the right idea with getting married--just not in a church, since that is not in keeping with either of your religious views. Maybe an outside wedding? It just seems like it's nto a big deal to you either way--you just want to be with him--then, maybe he should get his way. It is his first wedding, after all. Maybe you guys could find somewhere outside that has been meaningful to you guys--you could even try to find an officiant that has no religious affiliations to marry you there. Anyways, best of luck!