Hi girls,

I feel a little desperate here.
My wedding is for May 9th... and we might not get married at all because of my family in law.
My fiance keeps receiving calls from his family, they hate our color theme, they do not like our invitations, they want to add last minute guests (and WE are paying, not them).

During all the preparation, I've had no help, no nothing, no comments etc, and now everything is ordered, I'm getting it all..

I just feel terrible. Communication is pretty difficult with my fiance because he seems upset because is Mom gets him upset. I feel he's having second thoughts. I tried to talk about it with him. But he won't say anything.
When he talks with his mother, I just can't understand as they speak in Italian, so I'm pretty lost...

I feel he's not going to cancel the wedding because now we are close to the date, but I feel as if I'm not "his first choice" or at least his parents' first choice and that I'll "pay" for this all my life.

I just do not know what to do.

Brit.

Ok May 9th sister (I'm May 9th too-- and the one initially posting about going at it alone)....

I have, my whole life, had fleeting moments of doubt and just want to say that this is a HUGE HUGE HUGE life choice. If he was unsure, there's no way he'd go through with it at all. He would walk away before it was too late and certainly would be upfront with you. Guys always run from conversation (ok maybe not all and maybe not all the time but we're much better communicators). It's important to keep the way he may see things in check. My fiance is a big time momma's boy and I was freaking over her taking control (from friggen FRANCE) but then realized how much it was crushing him that I wanted to staple his mothers mouth shut (and cut her dialing fingers off). I know it's really hard and he may say things that are hard to hear but you have to sit down with him and get it all out on the table. My fiance said something very important to me... he told me that his mom was the first woman in his life and he has to listen to her and do things that won't hurt her. We did put our foot down, she totally doesn't get it but that's her loss. It's not worth the stress. As long as you love each other and that is the focus-- forget everyone else. You're the one who gets to spend your life with him but definitely sit down with him and be upfront about your worries so he can extinguish them and you can be happy again. Mother-in-laws... ugh. I really hope you work through all your stresses because its not fair (I know...) Let me know how it goes.

Andrea

I agree that men just can't communicate... I guess sometimes you just need to show them that you understand that their Mom is the most important woman in their life and that you can never take her place. And show him that you are not trying to take her place, just talking to him might not work... show him that you appreciate some of the stuff that her mom suggests/said.

All the best to you, Good Luck!
Jessica,
wedding planner advices | summer wedding themes | winter wedding themes

Hi,

Thanks for your answers. Well, it has been a little tough lately...
First, the salesperson from our venue phoned me up last night asking me if we really intended to "postpone" our wedding...

I was extremely surprised, as you can imagine. And I said : of course not, invitations are sent etc...
And apparently, my FMIL phoned up the venue (I confirmed the Italian accent with the salesperson) to postpone the wedding to this summer.

I was in such a rage.

My fiance came back from work, I had time to cool a little, and just told him what I had discovered. He phoned up his mom right away.
After a VERY long conversation in Italian, my fiance finally put the phone down, and then took me to the couch and told me what all this mess was about. And you won't believe it.

My FMIL has invited to the wedding, without telling us or asking us, my fiance's ex girlfriend !!!! She's Italian and lives there.
My fiance was once with her for about 3 or 4 years, and I think he was very very much in love with her. She knows everyone in the family, actually, she was part of the family.

But the story is over long time (like 4 or 5 years). Anyway, apparently, the ex cannot make it on that date to the US... She told my FMIL, and so my FMIL phoned up the venue to postpone the ceremony !!!!!!!!

My FMIL told her son yesterday evening (from what my fiance was ok to tell me) that she has never forgotten his ex, that he must have proposed to her and not to me. That the other girl gets along with the family and speaks Italian (which I do not), and that everybody is concerned by our wedding, our future !

I'm... I do not know how I feel.

My fiance stood up and told her that he was getting married to me and that is all.

I asked him if he still had a "relation" with his ex, and he told me : yes, we sometime chat together, etc, I'm not going to hide it to you, she has counted a lot to me etc... but I'm with you now, not with her.

Now I'm feeling that if ever this girl makes a come back, my fiance is going to leave me.

Needless to say that my FMIL didn't even excuse herself for what she tried to do.

I'm so so so so so upset. I had to tell my father this morning when he phoned up just for a chat. My father told me that my in-laws were not trustful and that he's willing to speak to them.

Gosh this is a nightmare. A nightmare. And my fiance was not very reassuring last night, neither this morning....

Brit. Sad.

Holy crap your FMIL is nuttty!!! I feel sorry for her that she is that controlling. I think the best way to deal with it is to let it come from her son. He really needs to tell her to stop. This is your wedding and not hers to change the date. I would be raging if I were you as well and you have every right to be mad. I give you a TON of credit for being as graceful as you have been (I'd probably be in jail right now). In his own mind I'm sure he put you at ease last night and all is fine with you. For these men, we really have to literally tell them every little detail or they just don't get it.

Good luck to you!
Andrea

I'm so sorry to hear you are going thru all of this, at a time when you should be on top of the world.
I to had a FMIL much like you are dealing with. She is now my Ex-MIL...Thank God!
You need to have another talk with your FH. Once your married this woman will not just GO AWAY! My run in's with my Ex-MIL just intensified and after the children were born it became even worse. My advice to you is if you think your FH is unsure and he is not totally committed to you and your marriage together...put the brakes on...There is no place in your relationship for his committment to his mother over his wife.
This woman reeks of my ex-MIL. She did the unthinkable...
Be true to yourself first, and your FH 2nd. This woman doesn't deserve the admiration or respect of either of you.

OMG... your FMIL is really something to be cautious off...

But, all in all I would say that as least your FH is honest enough to tell you everything. Yes, it's going to be very frustrating for you these coming weeks... but Is times like these that you can really see someone's heart and you can reassure of someone that you're going to spent the rest of your life with.

Luckily your FMIL is living in Italy and not here...

Hope you can Pull through this...
Jessica,
wedding planner advices | summer wedding themes | winter wedding themes

Thanks for your little posts...

And here are some news and explanation...

Regarding my family in law, to answer Jessica : they pretty all live in the US, but they keep talking in Italian, and they have lots of friends and family still in Italy.
Actually my fiance moved in the US not so long ago : he studied in Italy and so on for like 10 years (born in the US though) and came back to live in the US.
-> he was traveling with his parents and brothers and sisters each time.

They are very "close" to each other, I have nothing against this "family spirit" but it's far too much for me, and it keeps no door open for any hubby or wife to be !!!
I can't imagine when I'll have kids either : I would be very happy to have my FFIL talking to my kids in Italian, but as I understand nothing (I bought myself a method to learn Italian, but gosh it's a nightmare), I fear they try to take them away from me.. Anyway I'm not here yet.

I finally found out that my FMIL printed it out her own invitations to our wedding in a purple-blue color (my theme is orange and white... no comment), and my husband told her not too when we found out but she did what she wanted to do.

Best part is that yesterday, I had my final trial for my wedding dress and I found out that my FMIL came on Saturday, with one of her daughters, asked the boutique to show them the dress I was going to wear, saying : we are the family in law and we are paying for a part of the dress and we want to see what we are paying for !!
Now that is absolutely FALSE. I'm paying for my dress.
They didn't know really what to do with my FMIL, and sensed she was going to get mad (and I tell you, a mad Italian woman is terrible) so they showed my dress.

I told my fiance last night.
He could not believe it.

Then he told me : it's my Mom, I love her, do not ask me to choose between the both of you (I was not asking this, I was asking him to STOP HER INTERFERING BEHAVIOR), she is what she is but she can be really nice and caring, you'll get to know her better, blablablabla.
And he finally asked me to make an effort.

I told him that I had to think about this. That I was not seeing myself having to deal and shut up my mouth all my life with these kind of people.
I understand he doesn't want to get his mom upset. But he sees ME UPSET. But doesn't do a damn about it.
In a way I would hate to be in his shoes either. I would feel terrible if my father was getting him all upset...

I can't sleep anymore. I make nightmares.

I told him that I had to re-think all this wedding story. Because it feels so wrong...
He was in such a state when I told him that, telling me that his mom sent out the invitations, and that now if I cancel the wedding, she was going to feel ashame in front of her friends !!
And I said : well what about me ? What about us ? It's US. OUR wedding. I just do not give a damn about what his mom thinks. She didn't even care about one thing till now, and now she's so f*****g interfering and getting all...

And this story with the ex-girlfriend hurt me so much. I didn't even know he was still speaking to her from time to time. I know she's far and she's in Italy, but I hate that ! It's my right, no ?
And I do not understand WHY THE HELL my FMIL wants to invite her to our wedding !
She just want to give my fiance some doubts.

Sorry for my long answer. I still do not know what to do, but I need to take a decision in the next following 2 weeks. Because I need to be sure before confirming the photographer, the band etc, or I'll loose much more money..
I phoned up my Mom, and she didn't really help me either. She told me that I should have waited before planning this wedding and that meeting up someone on the net (we met on the net with my fiance), is no good.
She was against this relationship in the first place when I told her how we met.. She didn't trust him at all. After she got better. But she always told me that she found odd how young people meet up these days.
And true : I know none of his exs, I have no "reputation warnings" in my entourage, no nothing... Out of the blue...
One could have told me : take care, his family seems nice like that but they are a nightmare etc etc... Or : they use to love his ex, it's going to be difficult for you...

Anyway, hope all your preparations for your own weddings are going well.

Brit.

As much as it sucks, I think that you need to talk to your fiancee and tell him that at this time you do not feel that the two of you should get married. Explain to him your frustrations and explain that while you do want to get married to him, you will not be the pawn of his mother, and that if she does not get under control it may not ever happen. I would also explain how you were suprised/upset when you found out that he is still talking to his ex (that his mother wants him to marry), and that as much influence as she has in his life, you are concerned that he might go with her on that idea. It is better to call off the wedding now, then to realize a couple months after the wedding that it was a bad idea.

As for your fiancee being concerned that his mother will be ashamed if the wedding is called off after she sent invitations, tell him that she should have thought about what her interfering would do before she turned into FMIL-zilla

Thanks for your answer, yes I will tell him that.
For the moment he's gone for 3 days (for work) so I'm on my own, and he just rings me in the mornings and evenings (it's an internal meeting with his company, they have training all day and dinners in the evening), and he did have the time to send me a little "encouraging" email..

But yes I think I'm going to call off the wedding...